I am one of those people who cannot write without being inspired and lately my inspiration have been running very low. And I really want someone or something to inspire me to write again. I want fire. I want ice. I want extreme because I believe that words come to me when I believe in something.
So I was watching Gossip Girl. I am not really a fan of it but I watch it because of Chuck and Blair. So in season 6, they make a pact to each other that they will not be together before they do the most important things in their life. For Blair that thing is making her own fashion line a huge success and for Chuck it is to bring his fathers true face alight to the world. In the latest episode Blair succeeds making her fashion line “B” a huge success after a series of failed attempts but unfortunately Chuck fails after betting everything that he has. So he says to Blair that they cannot be together. And when she comes back to her office, all her staff is there waiting for her to celebrate, she smiles but her smile is not perfect because it is not from the heart. Among all the success something is missing. She got something but not everything. And thing is she had worked for everything.
I realized that when we work for something and work really hard for it. We want 100%. Because we know that that is how much we worked and that is how much we deserve. Things don’t hold as much meaning when you don’t get the 100%. But you have to live with it because it is life. And giving up means that you have given up on yourself. You didn’t get 100% does not mean that you are not good at that thing.
It is like baking a Chocolate Cake. You put in all the ingredients and follow the instructions of the recipe but the cake does not turns out to be like the picture on the box. It is good but not as good as it should be.
We all need to learn a very important lesson and that is you cannot always have everything in life. Once I said to my dad, why does Allah not give us everything that we want ? And he said that if He gives you everything now, you will not have anything in the hereafter. So He is saving some for the hereafter. It is okay if you did not get the 100%, just remember there is someone else who is in your league and does not get 100% either.
I remember being little and looking at the sky. Its always been one of the best things in my life. It has always fascinated me and I wondered how could something so dark and mysterious hold so much beauty and meaning in it.
I remember I was 7 or 8 years old and we were in Pakistan. My mom, my cousin and I were sitting on the porch stairs. They were talking and all of a sudden there was this silver thing that passed over the sky like lightening. It was beautiful and fast and it left silvery sparks behind like leaving some kind of momento for you to look over and remember forever. I asked my mom what it was and she said, Sumaica, it is a shooting star. They are very rare and only special people get to witness them so if you see them, know that you are very special. She also said that Sumaica, life is also like a shooting star, it is very fast and once it goes, it never comes back. So make sure that you live your life like no one else and be a person that you yourself will be proud of one day. And I said to her, I just want to know what it does. And she said that it gives you hope that there are unexpected things in life which are good just like a shooting star, so don’t worry life is not one train ride.
I don’t know if I am that myself. I don’t think any one of us knows if we are that person. But I think that everyday we try to be a better person and sometimes we forget the promises that we made to ourselves. I feel as if at times, we get lost in helping others and forget that we need to help ourselves too.
Teeba said to me that why is it that there are so less stars in the sky these days ? Back when we were little, the sky used to be filled with stars. It used to be a magical kingdom. And I said, maybe its because they do not like to see who the human race has become. Like we don’t like to live in a polluted area because it smells or its injurious, just like that our evil and bad deeds are keeping the stars away.
I have always heard people say that whenever you see a shooting star, wish for your deepest desires from the bottom of your heart and they will come true. I don’t believe in these things but you can always try to materialise your wish yourself instead of asking someone else. Be your own genie.
Why is it that we feel for fictional characters? We feel the pain and the joy of the characters in a movie or a TV show. As time passes by we get attached to them. We start living our lives with them. They become a part of our lives. Their joys and griefs become our joys and griefs. We cry at their funerals and their wedding. But sometimes we do not feel for the real people. I don know why but we just don’t. They become our friends and they becomes our enemies. We curse over someone cheating on their partner and we want to punch them. We celebrate their Birthday in the schools bus (Yes, I celebrated Ian Somerhalder’s B’day in the school bus. Not one o my proudest moments. And it was NOT my idea). We comment on their clothes. Their lives become our lives.
Somehow we relate to those characters and they become more attached to us then the real people in our lives. Maybe it is because we expect a lot from the people in our lives and we cannot face disappointment. Or its just that they are not that beautiful. Maybe its because the image that we have created of them in our minds shatters and we have to see those people for who they really are. Not for what we thought they were.
There are so many times that I have loved book characters and related with them. I feel as if somehow I can understand who they really are but not understand who the real people are. If that even makes sense. Because it is just really hard to figure people out. People are mean. Down right mean. I am just talking in a general sense. Its like one minute you praising them and the next you will be like, you did not just say that. Because it totally ruined your image in my eyes. I know that at times I myself might have done the same thing to people and I hope they didn’t curse me. Sorry people.
Despite all that, you need real people in your life. Their meanness and other not so good qualities kind f balances your life and makes it more real. Otherwise I would think that I am living in books or movies. When someone asked me what would you wish for if you had the chance ? And I replied, a day in one of my favourite book. I was like 10 and I got this super weird and annoyed look from that aunt because she thought I would say like dolls or clothes or something. I guess I am too much of a bibliophile. So just be grateful that you have mean people in your lives.
P.S.I cannot believe I went from emotional drama to downright mean myself.
Last year my very best one and only sister wrote an article titled, “Living Away From Home” and she mentioned all the things that she misses while living abroad. When I read it, I thought to myself that why is she being so sentimental and emotional ? So what ? It is not a big deal. I love Qatar. I don’t have a problem living away from Pakistan. Yes. There are great things about Pakistan but I just don’t see the diamond studded picture that can make me miss Pakistan. Its just one of the other countries on the map for me. I didn’t give it a second thought and life went on.
But last Friday, I realised that Yes! I do live away from home. And yes ! Pakistan is home. You see it was my cousins Nikah ceremony. Now, we are a very small family and this is the first guy whose Nikah it was and we all pretty close. Because it all happened so suddenly within a week, we couldn’t go and attend it. On the day of Nikah, my father called and my cousin (his elder and only sister) picked up and she told my dad that they were all getting ready and would leave for the ceremony in an hour. And I wanted to wear heels, spend hours at getting ready, wear those beautiful clothes and just be there. We called again after the Nikah to talk to everyone and congratulate them. And I just had this emptiness in me. I had this longing to be there. I wanted to be there to enjoy the moment with my family. It was the first time in my life that I wanted to be in Pakistan rather any where else.
That day I realised that despite what I say and what I believe, deep down for me, my home has been and always will be Pakistan. It is like you realise the importance of something when you don’t have it anymore and you think that you can get it back whenever you want but that’s not how it works. You have to stick to what you have. I really did see the diamond studded picture which made me want to just fly out there and be with them. I really despised our lack of flying abilities on this auspicious day.
When you see a part of your family going through an important phase of their life and you so wish to be there for them but its the thousands of miles that stand between you and your home. You realise that the things you took for granted and never gave a second thought are the ones that are essential in your life and at the end of the day you are nothing without those things. I really am nothing without my family, without my identity, without my home. When you live abroad, you have the satisfaction that there are people back at home who will always be there to welcome you with open arms and no matter what life throws at you they will back you up. So, with immense pride I admit that I live away from home.
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.