It Becomes A Burden

It’s been almost two months since I studied a thing. And now it’s scaring the hell out of me. I have a bad habit of leaving everything to the last possible minute. I never seem to learn from my mistakes and study on time if not ahead of it. I should have learnt it considering I got married which basically means juggling a thousand things at one time. Unfortunately I did not.

So now I sit with laptop in my hands, staring at the date which says May 3 and I have to give exams in exactly a month. Good luck with that !

I think I have done about five chapters of one paper and nothing of the other two. I could give you a million excuses and justification for why I am not prepared at all. But here is the thing, whether your exam is tomorrow or a month later, justifications do not matter. No one remembers the tight spot you were in when you did what you had to do, except you yourself.

To be very honest, studying was just not on my mind the past month. Nothing really was. My life hung in the middle, dangling from a very thin rope in front of my eyes while I stood and stared at it. But now that Abbu is a bit better and things have calmed down, I think its time to get a grip on myself and study.

One of the biggest reason is that I have paid for it. Well, I did not. But someone did. And its not my fathers money that I can waste without a giving a second thought. Its a huge gesture that I need to fully take in consideration before I make any more mistakes.

That is one of the things about someone else paying for your fees. I do not mean to sound ungrateful but it starts feeling like a burden. I have enough on my plate already then dealing with people making remarks on this thing as well.

I have always studied because I love it. Not because I am forced to. Here is the thing, if I had ever studied by force, I would not have definitely cared more about my 12th grade marks. But I don’t. Its because I love getting lost in a problem and getting frustrated at it, then feeling like I found a gold mine on getting the answer. Its a great feeling. One that endorses me to study.

I am going to do it. I am going to open those damn books and get at it. Not for anyone else but me. I need to because I have to pay everything back. Otherwise, it will become this huge stack of bricks on my head instead of just a stone. And its better to throw that stone at the first chance. Otherwise, the bricks are only going to require more hard work and tire those arms out.

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